Just another day

Second night at home in 2012! 

Result. 

Wow… it’s been a while. So much has happened in the previous months that has meant I haven’t been able to get online like literally at all. 

I’m currently being detained under Section 3 of the Mental Health Act in hospital. 

I’ve been given yet another diagnosis of Emerging Borderline Personality Disorder.

Not really sure what else to say. Too much to even think about writing down. Maybe I’ll get on it later…

There is only one reason why I am still alive right now. 

And that reason would be better without me anyway. 

So why am I sitting here with a blade and pills too scared to move.

I am such a coward. What is wrong with me. This is what I want and need and I can’t do it. It’s like I’m punishing myself even more by keeping myself alive, like I don’t deserve to escape this. 

I can’t cry or even remember what I’ve done today. 

(Source: airbender, via tbachhh)

babyviper:

& then throw it into the fucking ocean.

(via justkeep--swimming)

Post-Run.

Just back from the gym after running a 45 minute run without stopping at all. I know this isn’t very impressive but seeing as 3 years ago I couldn’t run 20 metres and after the day I’ve had I think I did pretty well. 

Wow first positive thought in about a month! At least it’s a start…?

I didn’t think I was going to have a very good session seeing as I’ve spent the afternoon in the bathroom throwing up acid, but I managed to keep going.

Theres time to shower and then I’ll only have 2 hours to manage and get through whilst avoiding dinner before it’s acceptable for me to go to bed. 

Not completely sure how I feel about this. 

Ate some yoghurt for breakfast, purged.

Bloods taken.

Bad panic attack in which I was hysterical, thought mum was dead and completely zoned out. 

Didn’t eat lunch, purged acid. 

Blood pressure, temperature and blood sugar taken.

Forced to eat a slice of brown toast AND spread. Picked at the crust. Managed almost none of it. 

Panic attack where I thought mum was dead again. 

Blood pressure and temperature taken.

However I did end the day with a nice hot cup of tea and a nap on the sofa. 

(Source: thdandeliongirl, via justkeep--swimming)

Seriously stressing out right now. 

My throat is literally burning and it feels like I’m going to throw up even though I know I can’t can’t can’t right now. I’ve just spent like an hour obsessively researching it and I am seriously worried I’ve now got cancer in my throat and problems with my esophagus and heartburn and gaaaah.

I don’t know why I care so much when I don’t care about myself at all. I don’t understand myself. 

showmethereishappiness:

Mmmmm k?

(via slowlydyingfrom-annielying-deac)

Spent the whole day waiting inside for a phone call about the details of starting day in-patient. 

I am literally pulling my hair out with nerves about whether or not they accept me at this centre or not. 

He promised to ring right after his meeting at 12. It’s now 7pm and I’m guessing he isn’t going to ring today.

I could have done something productive (as much as I can) with my day. Gaaah I’m so frustrated and upset. I am literally holding on just one more day, one more day and it’s so bloody hard when you hold on and hold on and then are let down.

And now the guilt comes in because I know I’m not ill enough to deserve this treatment and what am I thinking when I thought that he would possibly even bother to ring me, he has so many much more important things to be dealing with and for people who are actually ill and not just being pathetic.

Let me crawl into a whole and die please.